When Families Fall Apart

I didnt know, but I told her Id find out. Several days later, I discovered that her parents had separated a few weeks earlier and were now in the process of a divorce.

I have to admit I was a bit shaken by this experience. It was the first time Id encountered such a dramatic change of behavior in a child due to what was happening in her family. That was many years ago, and in those days, I didnt know what to do for children in that situation. So I told the teacher to give her a little extra love.

It wasnt until years later that the issue surfaced again. In a new childrens ministry position, I encountered more out-of-control behavior than Id seen in all the years at my other church. As I became better acquainted with the families in the church, I discovered most of the problems could be directly traced to what was happening within each childs family. We had children whose parents were separated, divorced, or remarried. We had children being raised by their grandparents, children in foster care, and those living with an alcoholic or addicted parent.

What bothered me most was that it was so difficult to connect with these kids! They werent interested in Bible stories, childrens choir, or Wednesday night clubs. Their disruptive behavior made it difficult for teachers to bond with them. On the other hand, those who were quiet and withdrawn were easily overlooked. I have to admit that, in those early days, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I found precious few resources to help, so figuring out what to do became the focus of my ministry. Today, fortunately, we know a lot more about reaching children who live in these kinds of family situations.

WHY They Cant Connect

For children, family is the center of their world and the source of their security. When the family is in crisis, disrupted, or in any way different from what the children desire, they have difficulty connecting in church settings for the following reasons.

Theyre in a great deal of pain. In any disrupted family, the children are always the innocentand often overlookedvictims. Theyre dealing with difficult life circumstances which they didnt want or ask for! Consequently, they feel powerless over their circumstances. They experience intense feelings, such a grief, anger, betrayal, and guiltjust to name a few. These overwhelming feelings are frightening to children who arent yet emotionally ready to cope with them. Children express these feelings through aggression (acting out) or depression (withdrawal).

All these factors are in play as children sit in Sunday school classes. Is it any wonder its hard for them to connect with whats happening in class? Its hard to care about the kings of Israel when youre not sure where youre going to live or whos going to pay the bills now that Dad has left the family. Its hard to sing praises to God when you cant understand why he didnt answer the one prayer you wanted answered more than anything else in the worldthat your mom would stop using drugs so you could all live together as a family again. Its hard to care about witnessing to your friends when you cant understand why your dad abandoned you to marry a stranger and he expects you to like living with her and her kids!

They dont trust easily. Childrens life circumstances form a filter through which they evaluate every other part of their lives. For instance, when parents divorce, children feel betrayed and that pain of betrayal seriously affects their ability to trust. But thats seldom the end of the story. In most cases the childs parents begin dating again and the children are exposed to new adult relationshipsonly to possibly have those relationships come to an end, too. How many times does it take before a child says, No more! Im not going to trust anyone again; its too painful? This subconscious conclusion is common in children whove been wounded by the trusted adults in their lives and becomes a filter of distrust for every other adult relationship. This is a huge issue for us in childrens ministrybuilding trust with children whove been hurt by the adults in their lives.

They filter faith through their life experiences. They evaluate everything we say about God (and other spiritual realities) in terms of their life experiences. Many times in our support groups we hear of children who dont believe in God anymore or simply have no desire to pray. When questioned why, we discover theyve drawn conclusions about God based on their life circumstances, such as:

• God doesnt take care of my needs.
• God doesnt rescue me when I really need it.
• God is punishing me for all the bad things I do.
• Im too little for God to see me (the invisible child).
• God gives good gifts to everyonebut me.
• I dont want anything to do with God (anger response)!
• I wish God would come and rescue me, but he probably wont (victim mentality).

Of course, not all children respond to God in this way. Some of them find help and comfort in their relationship with God. But on the whole, we can expect children from families in crisis or transition to be struggling with God and skeptical of the spiritual realities we present.

WHAT Children Need

We must take seriously, and seek to meet, three primary needs of these children.

1. Consistent RelationshipsThis is the first issue we must address, because if children dont trust us, they wont listen or accept anything we say. To provide this, we must do the following.

Keep classes and groups as small as possible. This is a difficult truth to accept when all of us face the problems of recruiting. However, trust is built as children are known by the adults who work with them. What we need to constantly remember is this: Children are changed by peoplenot programs! They dont need bigger and flashier programming; they need teachers who care about them and will be there each week to lovingly greet them when they walk through the door.

Model the positive qualities of God. This is the most important thing we do for children who have, or might be, disconnected from God because of their life circumstances. When were consistently present, unconditionally accepting, attentive, affirming, and reliable, we make it possible for children to believe that God could really be all these things we say he is!

Provide a childrens support group. There are times when children facing painful life circumstances simply need a little more help and attention than we can provide in our regular childrens ministry settings. Childrens support groups integrate wonderfully with the ongoing childrens ministry programs and have proven to be highly effective. And they arent as difficult to run as it may sound. Excellent curriculum and training is now available. If youre interested in this kind of programming, contact Confident Kids at www.confidentkids.com or call (805) 614-2824 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting (805) 614-2824 end_of_the_skype_highlighting.

2. Lots of Boundaries and StructureIn divorce situations, stepfamilies, and other nontraditional family settings, the lack of clear and consistent boundaries is a huge problem. Therefore, its a great source of relief to be in a class with clear boundaries, enforced consistently by the adults. To provide this, we must:

Post class rules. This helps children know exactly what behavior is expected of them. Include the consequences for breaking rules (timeouts work well). Five rules are plenty.

Consistently enforce rules. Apply the consequences as needed. This is crucial! Children will feel safe onlywhen they know the rules will be enforced by the adults in the room.

Provide lots of structure. Overplan your lesson, and engage the kids as soon as they arrive. Then keep them involved the entire time. Give special attention to transition times. The most vulnerable time for losing control of the class is when the teacher isnt prepared.

3. A Safe PlaceThese children need an accepting place where they can talk about whats real. Encourage them to talk about the realities of their lives with opportunities, such as:

PrayerMany times, children will share their deepest concerns at prayer time. Keep a prayer journal for your class to write all the requests. Use the prayer journal to pray for kids during the week, and then record what God is doing in the journal as kids report answers.

Real TalkMany children in nontraditional families have no place where they can talk about whats happening in their lives. Consequently, they hold it all inside, where it continues to dominate their thoughts and emotions, and makes it hard to concentrate on whats happening in the class. Many children arent thinking about what were saying because were not saying what theyre thinking about!

Good OrganizationDo your forms collect the information you need? For example, in divorce situations, the child has two parents who live separately. Sometimes, the parent the child lives with is not the one involved in your church. Consequently, when you send mailings just to the childs mailing address, it never reaches the parent who needs to see it.

Forms should also clarify the identity of the person bringing the child. Is it a parent, stepparent, grandparent, or foster parent? Is the last name the same as or different from the childs? Does the adult have the legal authority to give permission for off-campus activities? Are there any restraining orders against adults who may show up at church trying to gain access to the child? All these pieces of information are necessary for your childrens ministry to minister effectively to the child and family and to keep your church safe from legal problems.

The realities of divorce, stepfamily life, living in foster homes, coping with addicted parentsand a host of other subjectsneed to be acceptable subjects for children to address in our ministries. Its in the context of these discussions that we may find our best opportunities to talk about spiritual things.

Linda Kondracki Sibley is the founder of Confident Kids Support Groups (www.confidentkids.com).