Tree Doctor

“Tree Doctor” by Matthew Ramsey
Silly/humorous play about a boy who goes to a doctor who acts as if the boy is a tree (e.g., is worried about the boy’s bark falling off).

 

 

Tim: Oh good doctor, youre here! Ya gotta help me!

Doc: Now, now Mrah

Tim: Just call me Tim.

Doc: Right, Tim. Dont you worry about a thing. Ive just reviewed your chart and well have
you strong as an oak tree in no time.

Tim: Strong as an oak
tree?

Doc: Just an
expression Tim, just an expressionif you prefer: well have you right as rain.

Tim: Welltell me the
truth Doc, am I gonna make it?

Doc: Oh, it isnt as
bad as all of thatnow Id like to go over a couple of the procedures with you
before we start.

Tim: Ok, shoot.

Doc: Oh, not unless
there are no other options.

Tim: Huh?

Doc: Just a little
joke. Now, the first thing Ill have to
do is saw you in half to determine your age

Tim: Wait,
what!?

Doc: UmIll just saw
you in half first to determine your agestandard procedure

Tim: Bu-but. Im twelve.
I mean, Im telling you Im twelve so you dontahhave to saw me in
halfare you serious about the whole sawing me in half thing?

Doc: Look, Tim. I wanted to wait to tell you this butyour
condition is fairly serious. You
havedutch elm disease.

Tim: Dutch elm
disease!? W-whats gonna happen?

Doc: Well, first your
bark will fall off and then your leaves will wither. Now, of course, without your leaves youll
find it pretty difficult to photosynthesize the nutrients

Tim: Wait, my
bark? Dont you mean my skin?

Doc: Tim, are you a
doctor? Do you have a degree? Hmm?
How about a little heart-listener-thingy hanging around you neck? Cuz if you do it must be an invisible
one. What are you, some kind of wizard
doctor? Is that what you are Tim?

Tim: mmmno. I-Im not a wizard doctor

Doc: Alright then.
What were we talking about?

Tim: Ehsawing me in
half?

Doc: Right. Now after weve determined your age…

Tim: Which is
twelve

Doc: Well have to
remove the affected bark. Not to worry
though, the rest of you will be very well protected against the elements. Ah, I must warn you that if the disease is
more advanced than we think all we can really do is drive spikes through your
base to keep you up right. Any
questions?

Tim: Let me see if
Ive got this straight: you want to cut
me in half and drive spikes through my feet because Ive got some disease that
only trees can get?

Doc: WellI mean,
sure, when you put it like thatit kinda soundsa little strange I guess

Tim: Just one more
question: are you REALLY a doctor?

Doc: Yes of course I
am a doctor!

Tim: For people?

Doc: Wellnot as
suchnot people as in humansbut trees are very similar to peopleat least
I hope they are for your sake. (turns)
Nurse, get the chainsaw ready please! (turns back and Tims gone) Tim?
Tim! Come back! Dont be such a baby!!!