How much do we really listen to our children? I mean really listen.

Do you know why even the best minds of the past misunderstood children, especially babies? I’ll tell you why. They never spent time with them, talking to them, asking them questions, and listening to what they had to say.

As is often the case with brilliant thinkers, they’re used to relying on their own ability to dissect, wrestle with, and eventually grasp any subject.

When it came to young children, these adults made assumptions about children that were far from the truth. Whether an ancient thinker such as Aristotle or more recent psychologists such as Freud and Skinner, the upsetting thing is that they rarely took the time to actually study the children!

Unfortunately, the same happens in today’s classrooms, too. Teachers, many of them quite knowledgeable in their particular field of interest, neglect the students themselves. And this is not a phenomenon isolated in the universities or high school.

Elementary teachers and preschool teachers can sometimes be guilty of this, too – and often because of the same basic assumption the philosophers made: that children are simple creatures in need of the help of an adult to keep them functioning until they are able to enter the adult world.

It’s easy to see why such a view would appear almost obvious. After all, babies cannot speak, coordinate their own movements, or even feed themselves. Even as children grow older and more advanced in their abilities, they are still dependent in so many ways on adult caregivers, who incorrectly interpret this need as being a sign of deficiency in the young child, when in fact, quite the opposite is true.

As the field of child psychology has developed, crucial discoveries have been made to correct our past views about children. Yet still many basic assumptions persist that make their way into the classroom.

What is needed is for adults to let go of some of their preconceived notions and actually observe and listen to the children. Also, adults must learn to let children make mistakes and to keep on trying. Teachers and parents have a tendency to hover around children trying to keep absolute order and are ready to swoop down any time a child looks like they are in need, whether they’re carrying something too heavy or trying to correctly put glitter on the glue.

If you will actually listen to these children, however, you will consistently hear one message: let me do this on my own. Children possess a fierce desire for independence. Why else would they struggle so hard to walk, when consistently they fall down, often very painfully? Why else would they make such concentrated efforts to learn language? Simply to tell you they love you? Nope. They can do that with a hug. What they want is independence. That’s why their first words are often “No!” followed shortly by “Me do it!”

As parents and teachers, we are terrified of things far less important than their independence. Things like messes. Or projects taking much longer than they would if we jumped in and helped out. Or the always terrifying “low self-esteem” that we are sure will develop in our children if they make too many mistakes.

As I have written previously about the danger of praising ability over effort, we do more to hurt their ‘precious self-esteem’ when we constantly hover over them, praising their every success and trying too hard to minimize their mistakes. Children need to make mistakes. It helps them learn to persevere and teaches them that it is more important that they continue to take on challenges than it is to get it right on the first try.

This means less hovering at home and in the classroom. It may be hard to do for you, but it’s what your child needs. Don’t make the same mistake as the great philosophers and assume your view of children is the right one and neglect to ask the children themselves.

They might just surprise you. Child psychologists are regularly surprised at what their studies reveal to them about children. What these researchers and scientists do right is they simply ask questions and observe. The children provide the answers.

Ask yourself, how was Jesus with the children? He modeled it for us perfectly. Jesus loved having the children come to Him. He cared for and valued them. At one point, Scripture tells us, “He called a little child and had him stand among them. And He said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.’” (Matthew 18:2-5)

In so doing, Jesus listened to the children. Let us do so today. It may surprise us to hear all they have to tell us.

Jody Capehart has more than 40 years’ experience as a children’s minister. She’s the co-author of The Discipline Guide for Children’s Ministry and the author of numerous other books. She currently teaches Sunday School at Stonebriar Community Church. visit Jody at www.jodycapehart.com/

This article is courtesy of ParentLife.

“May the words of my mouth…be acceptable to You” (Psalm 19:14)

If you have children, you probably have given them the warning, “Stop saying that!” Did you know that God’s Word teaches that the tongue is something to be tamed? James 3:8 says, “But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” It is true that such a tiny little body part has great power. So how do you teach your child to keep his tongue under control? Here is some help for three big tongue problems.

Problem 1: Lying
When a child feels backed into a corner, what will he do? Tell a lie. Lying is a normal childhood problem. You want your child to use his imagination and be creative, but lying should never be acceptable. So how do you tell the difference between a vivid imagination and telling a lie? Look at what motivated your child. Is he using his imagination in play or being silly? Children who tell lies have a different motive. Some motives include avoiding punishment, impressing others, for shock value, or to hurt someone.

Solution: Do not let lying get a foothold in your child’s life. When your child succeeds with a small lie, he is likely to try lying about bigger things. Start early by emphasizing daily the importance of telling the truth. When you catch your child in a lie, ask: “Why did you feel you needed to tell a lie?” Listen to discover what motivated your child to lie.

Explain to your child that lying is never acceptable. Teach him Colossians 3:9, “Do not lie to one another.” Be sure the punishment you give is age appropriate. Help your child understand that privileges must be earned by being truthful.

Problem 2: Foul Language
Children quickly learn that some words are “good” and other words are “bad.” Using foul language and curse words can make a child feel grown-up and empowered. When your child watches a friend get a good reaction after telling a dirty joke, he might be tempted to try it himself. Most children who use bad words are seeking approval from their friends or trying to shock people around them. Many times, a young child may not even understand what certain words or phrases really mean.

Solution: Do not use any word that you would not want your child to repeat. Remember, your child will follow your example. He is listening. Also monitor what your child watches, listens to, and reads. Do the movies or music you allow your child to watch or listen to contain language you do not want him to use? Do not allow them. Widen your child’s vocabulary by teaching some fun, appropriate words he can use to shock and amaze his friends.

An Appropriate Response
When you hear your child use an obscene word, do not panic. Calmly ask: “Where did you hear that word? Do you know what it means?” Give your child a chance to respond and listen carefully to her answer. Explain that foul language is offensive to others and does not honor God. Ephesians 5:4 commands, “And coarse and foolish talking or crude joking are not suitable.” Help your child understand that the words she uses are a reflection of what is in her heart and should be pleasing to God. If necessary, explain the meaning of the word or phrase in an age-appropriate way. For example you might say something such as: “That word is offensive and describes in a bad way a good thing that God made especially for husbands and wives.”

Problem 3: Disrespectful Attitude
Respect for authority is a big problem for many of today’s children. Today’s selfish culture causes children to think they should always get their way and treat others, including their parents, in a disrespectful way. Many children whine or throw tantrums to get what they want – and often parents give in. Treating others disrespectfully is a symptom of a much deeper problem with selfishness.

Solution: Set a positive example by treating others, including your child, with respect in all circumstances. How do you talk to your spouse about your unfair boss after a hard day at work? What did you say about the driver who cut you off in traffic? Remember, your child will model what he sees and hears from you.

Start teaching respectful language and manners at an early age. A sassy attitude that seems cute for your toddler will be a nightmare to change later. Do not allow your child to speak to you or anyone else in a disrespectful way. Expect your child to use polite manners, speak in a calm tone, and use words that reflect his respect for another’s feelings. Praise him for using his words well.

Do not give in to your child’s begging or tantrums. Ignore your child when he whines to get your attention. Only respond to requests that are presented in a polite, respectful way. Children are more likely to use a disrespectful tone when they are hungry, tired, or angry. So help your child get enough rest, provide a balanced diet, and teach him to resolve conflict appropriately in order to prevent potential attitude problems.

Time and Patience
Do not expect your child to master control of his tongue overnight. Pray and ask God to help you teach your child to tame his tongue. Be sure to praise your child when he tells the truth, refrains from using foul language, and speaks to others with respect. With consistency and perseverance, the tongue that roars like a beast can someday purr like a kitten!

Taming Tips
Teach your child to monitor what she says by remembering these simple rules.

• Think before you speak. Words blurted out can never be taken back.
• Be respectful. Always treat others with kindness and avoid whining.
• Speak with purity. Refrain from using vulgar or profane words.
• Tell the truth. Help your child understand that telling lies or half-truths, sharing gossip, or making up stories is not acceptable.
• Please God. What would God think of what you have to say?

Cindy Leach is the minister to children at North Richland Hills Baptist Church in North Richland Hills, Texas. She and her husband, Jason, have two daughters in middle school.

Here are 7 things I often tell our Uptown volunteers to do to make kids feel welcome. If we are not consistently thinking about what we can proactively do to help kids feel welcome,7 we won’t do it.

7 sure-fire ways to make kids feel welcome in church

1. Talk to them how they talk to you – If they are shy, you need to be shy. If they are outgoing, be outgoing.
2. Make fun of yourself – If you can make funny faces or do funny voices, that’s always a plus.
3. Always stoop down to their level.
4. Stay up on kid culture – Don’t ask them about The Littles or Duck Tails. Ask them about Phineas and Ferb.
5. Give them things – stickers, candy, Bible bucks.
6. Learn their names and their parents’ names.
7. ALWAYS greet the kids before their parents.

1. Brag on them in front of others.
2. Celebrate their birthday.
3. Have them over to your house for dinner.
4. Tell them you appreciate them with your words.
5. Honor them for their years of service.
6. Love on their children and grandchildren.
7. Give them cost of living raises.
8. Demand that they put their family first.
9. Ask them for advice.
10. Say “I’m sorry” when you blow it.
11. Show by your actions that you are there to serve them instead of them serving you.
12. Ask them to speak into your life and help you grow.
13. Follow through when you tell them you are going to do something.
14. Tell them you appreciate them with a handwritten note.
15. Don’t always be looking over their shoulder.
16. Look for opportunities to put them in the spotlight instead of yourself.
17. As the leader, take the ultimate responsibility when something goes wrong…even if it was their fault.
18. If they have a late night at church, tell them to come in late the next day.
19. Show you care more about them than about what they do.
20. Correct and give feedback face-to-face instead of by phone, email, or text.
21. Tell them you believe in them.
22. Go to the hospital when they or their family are sick.
23. Pray with and for them.
24. Cry with them.
25. Help them see their blind spots so they can grow past them.

1. Brag on them in front of others.
2. Celebrate their birthday.
3. Have them over to your house for dinner.
4. Tell them you appreciate them with your words.
5. Honor them for their years of service.
6. Love on their children and grandchildren.
7. Give them cost of living raises.
8. Demand that they put their family first.
9. Ask them for advice.
10. Say “I’m sorry” when you blow it.
11. Show by your actions that you are there to serve them instead of them serving you.
12. Ask them to speak into your life and help you grow.
13. Follow through when you tell them you are going to do something.
14. Tell them you appreciate them with a handwritten note.
15. Don’t always be looking over their shoulder.
16. Look for opportunities to put them in the spotlight instead of yourself.
17. As the leader, take the ultimate responsibility when something goes wrong…even if it was their fault.
18. If they have a late night at church, tell them to come in late the next day.
19. Show you care more about them than about what they do.
20. Correct and give feedback face-to-face instead of by phone, email, or text.
21. Tell them you believe in them.
22. Go to the hospital when they or their family are sick.
23. Pray with and for them.
24. Cry with them.
25. Help them see their blind spots so they can grow past them.

Recently, I’ve read a lot of commentary about how families are choosing youth sports over church involvement. I need to let you know up front that I’m a youth football coach for young boys that play in both the fall and the spring. I view my sons’ and daughter’s involvement in sports and other extracurricular activities as an important part of their maturing into well-rounded individuals.

It always strikes me as humorous when those of us involved in ministry see other outside activities as competition for our events. First, I view the events that we plan for our children and families as valuable and important for everyone involved. Second, I see great value in other activities outside the church. It seems to me that we should ask ourselves Three Questions as we attempt to reach families and desire to teach them how to grow spiritually:

1. When we offer an event, do we consider the family’s existing schedule and commitments?

1. Is the event we are planning truly going to make an impact, or are we just continuing something because we’ve always done it?

1. Are we scheduling so many classes and events that it would hinder a family’s opportunity to connect to their community?

Concerning question number one, too often the church calendar is planned without even considering community events. To me, this comes could be considered arrogant or even foolish. When a missionary goes into a foreign country, one of the things they invest a great deal of time in is discovering how that community functions. Why would we attempt to reach our community without the same mindset? If our goal is to reach our community, we should take the time and look at what activities are taking place inside our community as we begin to create our own schedule.

Question number two should be asked of every event we undertake. Too often, events at church are planned and presented just because it’s what we always do. Every event should be evaluated under the microscope of the event’s goal and value. Some events simply need to be reinvented while others simply need to be dropped because they no longer achieve the desired goal.

Now let’s take a look at question number three. My family and I moved from Texas (the belt buckle of the Bible Belt) out west to Arizona. I can say with complete conviction that the way most families view church here is a great deal different from how it’s viewed in the Bible Belt. I also know from personal experience that those of us active in church can become so involved with church activities that we are no longer connected with our communities. This tendency to become insulated from the outside is what one author dubbed the “Christian Ghetto.” The longer you have been a believer who is active in your church the more intentional you must be to connect with an unbelieving community. I believe our call to be “salt and light” is too often forgotten, and we simply become a “holy huddle” that is no longer focused on the “main thing.” Our family’s experience in youth sports has been one of the best ways to connect with our community. We have the opportunity to develop close relationships with many families who otherwise would have little or no connection to a local church. Our goal as a family is to share Jesus in a relational context by simply being who we are as a member of our community. Men who would never talk to a “pastor” will share what’s going on with their friend the “Coach.”

My challenge to all of us is:

1. Ask the three questions of every event we plan.
2. Make a commitment to find a way to embrace youth sports and other extracurricular activities in order to make a difference.
3. Be “Salt and Light” outside the doors of our churches.

So what does your church schedule look like? What evaluation tool do you use following each event? What are some ways that you connect to your community? Leave a comment and let’s talk.

Keith Tusing is a Family Ministries Pastor with 20+ years of experience serving churches in Texas and Arizona. His passion is to see Children’s and Family Ministries that encourage leaders to partner with parents in developing the next generation. He has been married to his amazing wife, Julie, for 30 years and is the father of six incredible kids. visit Keith at cmbuzz.com

Recently, I’ve read a lot of commentary about how families are choosing youth sports over church involvement. I need to let you know up front that I’m a youth football coach for young boys that play in both the fall and the spring. I view my sons’ and daughter’s involvement in sports and other extracurricular activities as an important part of their maturing into well-rounded individuals.

It always strikes me as humorous when those of us involved in ministry see other outside activities as competition for our events. First, I view the events that we plan for our children and families as valuable and important for everyone involved. Second, I see great value in other activities outside the church. It seems to me that we should ask ourselves Three Questions as we attempt to reach families and desire to teach them how to grow spiritually:

1. When we offer an event, do we consider the family’s existing schedule and commitments?

1. Is the event we are planning truly going to make an impact, or are we just continuing something because we’ve always done it?

1. Are we scheduling so many classes and events that it would hinder a family’s opportunity to connect to their community?

Concerning question number one, too often the church calendar is planned without even considering community events. To me, this comes could be considered arrogant or even foolish. When a missionary goes into a foreign country, one of the things they invest a great deal of time in is discovering how that community functions. Why would we attempt to reach our community without the same mindset? If our goal is to reach our community, we should take the time and look at what activities are taking place inside our community as we begin to create our own schedule.

Question number two should be asked of every event we undertake. Too often, events at church are planned and presented just because it’s what we always do. Every event should be evaluated under the microscope of the event’s goal and value. Some events simply need to be reinvented while others simply need to be dropped because they no longer achieve the desired goal.

Now let’s take a look at question number three. My family and I moved from Texas (the belt buckle of the Bible Belt) out west to Arizona. I can say with complete conviction that the way most families view church here is a great deal different from how it’s viewed in the Bible Belt. I also know from personal experience that those of us active in church can become so involved with church activities that we are no longer connected with our communities. This tendency to become insulated from the outside is what one author dubbed the “Christian Ghetto.” The longer you have been a believer who is active in your church the more intentional you must be to connect with an unbelieving community. I believe our call to be “salt and light” is too often forgotten, and we simply become a “holy huddle” that is no longer focused on the “main thing.” Our family’s experience in youth sports has been one of the best ways to connect with our community. We have the opportunity to develop close relationships with many families who otherwise would have little or no connection to a local church. Our goal as a family is to share Jesus in a relational context by simply being who we are as a member of our community. Men who would never talk to a “pastor” will share what’s going on with their friend the “Coach.”

My challenge to all of us is:

1. Ask the three questions of every event we plan.
2. Make a commitment to find a way to embrace youth sports and other extracurricular activities in order to make a difference.
3. Be “Salt and Light” outside the doors of our churches.

So what does your church schedule look like? What evaluation tool do you use following each event? What are some ways that you connect to your community? Leave a comment and let’s talk.

Keith Tusing is a Family Ministries Pastor with 20+ years of experience serving churches in Texas and Arizona. His passion is to see Children’s and Family Ministries that encourage leaders to partner with parents in developing the next generation. He has been married to his amazing wife, Julie, for 30 years and is the father of six incredible kids. visit Keith at cmbuzz.com

For Christmas I got the best laptop bag ever. Seriously, I loved it. Yet by March, the bag was falling apart, and I was left with a sad face.

Thankfully, the person who gave me this bag bought it at Zappos!

The on-line IM service was great, but as the bag was ripped I’d have to call into the office and talk to a live person.

More often than not, this causes me angst. If I can do business over email or IM, I’d rather, especially when dealing with a major company. But I called Zappos.

As soon as the customer service representative picked up, I knew this would not be an ordinary phone call with a multi-national company.

“Thanks for calling Zappos! This is [Jane]. How can I WOW you today?”

That phrase “How can I wow you today?” caught me off guard. I chuckled and started telling her my story. Not only did they overnight me a new bag, I also didn’t have to send the old one back.

Needless today, I was wowed.

The WOW Factor

I began thinking about kid’s ministry. When was the last time any of us walked up to a parent or child and (figuratively or literally) asked them “How can I wow you today?”

How many of us actually went followed through on the promise to do so?

It could be that we make a practice out of wowing our “customers” week-in and week-out as they walk our halls and enter our environments.

However, when we take a step back and take a 10,000’ view of the landscape, we realize that our signs maybe confusing, our welcome center is cluttered and insufficiently staffed, or our slides are littered with mis-spelled word and we’re using a font that only a sharp-shooter could see from his scope.

Wowing means that we go above and beyond expectations.

We don’t just point people in the right direction, we walk with them to their destination.

We let that last child into the room even if they’re two minutes late, after all getting a family of 6 to church is hard work!

We send a goody-bag to the hospital for the precious third-grader’s tenth round of chemo not just the first.

Making WOW part of your Kidmin

This week, take a look around your hallways, evaluate your parent and volunteer care structures, and re-read your policies. Ask yourself:

1. Where are we currently wowing people? How do we know that?

2. Where could we improve? How can we be generous to our parents and kids, wowing them each time they walk through our environments?

3. What are five small things that are inexpensive (or FREE!) that we could do this month to build WOW? Make a plan, and follow through!

Do the work. Wowing people makes them feel like you care. And you do care otherwise you’d be in a different line of work, be sure people know that.

Do you have a WOW story?

I’d love to hear about the WOW-factor in your ministry. Comment below!

Dan Scott serves as the elementary director at Ada Bible Church, which is outside of Grand Rapids, MI. He establishes the vision for programming including curriculum, volunteer care, and environment. Dan enjoys sharing ideas and encouragement from his life and ministry. He has a busy speaking and writing schedule and was recently named one of Children’s Ministry Magazines’ 20 leaders to watch. Dan and his wife Jenna have four kids: Liam, Ellison, Addison, and Taye.  visit Dan at danscottblog.com